MOTIVATION

I got word today that I am set to have my surgery on October 23.  I also received a very strict diet to follow prior to surgery and a suggestion from the doctor that I try to lose 20 pounds before then. He wants my BMI down 3 points!

The diet is basically 2 protein shakes and a "lean and green" meal, preferably at lunch. The week before surgery is a little different; more variety in the protein and as few carbs as possible. I feel confident that I can do that, with the exception of the weekend getaway we have planned for our anniversary. 

That trip actually had a lot to do with my making the decision to go ahead with the surgery.  Tom was talking about going hiking and bike riding and I felt so bad and embarrassed that I have gotten to the point that I can't do those things.  At least not for long and not easily.  My knees have gotten so painful that I can't sleep well some nights and my gait is really different.  I miss being graceful.

I have been wearing my gym shoes to work every day and walking for 5 minutes here and 10 minutes there throughout the day.  I need to build up my stamina and strength, both for the trip and for the surgery.  More than anything - and I mean this- I look forward to being able to exercise.  I have always liked my gym time, hard as it may be to fit in.

I like the idea of looking better and shopping in regular stores, too,  but I have no illusions that this old body is just going to snap back.  I am going to get Tom to take some "before" pictures this week to put aside. I have taken my measurements already, bought my post-op vitamin and mineral supplements and some samples of high protein foods and supplements.

Making this happen.

A BIG DECISION - A LONG POST

In the weeks prior to our high school reunion, I was e-mailing back and forth with my good friend.  I was talking her into coming to the event (she has been my date for all the previous reunions) plus it is pretty much the only time I get to set eyes on her.

 Suddenly the topic changed and she asked me if I had ever considered weight loss surgery.  I told her I had gone pretty deep into the pre-op planning about 8 years ago before we lost our coverage - why?  Well, turns out she would like to help me pay for it.  It was one of those "life turns on a dime" moments.  I said I would look into it and we would talk.

Turns out my insurance company not only doesn't cover it - they won't cover anything at all related to it, ever.  They were very emphatic!  Wow.  I got the feeling they had put me on a watch list just by inquiring!

So then I looked into the options.

Eight years ago I had planned on  the Duodenal Switch which is a reduction of the size of the stomach itself and then a re-routing of the intestines which creates a "malabsorption" effect.  It is considered the riskiest, most complicated surgery but the life long weight loss, maintenance and reduction of other weight related problems is the best. It is the only surgery which allows, over time, for me to eat somewhat normally, drink alcohol and take Nsaids. Considering my arthritis - I need that! There is a significant vitamin regimen and certain foods will likely cause distress - like refined carbs and sugar. But apparently it is different from person to person.

They also offer the "Sleeve" which is just the reduction of the stomach size but leaving the pyloric valve, which some of the other surgeries, like the popular Roux en Y, removes.  The new popular one is the Lap Band which is an inflatable band positioned at a spot around the upper stomach.  It can be inflated or deflated to alter the size of the pouch for food to be digested and slipped through into the rest of the stomach.  It is the easiest and least expensive surgery but there are lots of issues with the way you can eat and what you can eat and it requires frequent adjustments (ongoing costs).  There also seem to be a lot of ways to circumvent its effectiveness - not that I would set out to do that...

Anyway, I researched and went on weight loss forums and blogs and learned more than I wanted to know about the different types and how they have affected people and I came back around to the DS.  The DS costs between $30,000. - $40,000. Hard to pin down  (and why the range?), but that is the way our health care works in this country.

My friend and I talked and the amount of money she is offering is not going to cover my surgery of choice.

More research, and the answer has been found. They call it "Medical Tourism."  Going out of the country for medical care which is priced much higher here. 

I am communicating with two surgeons in Mexico and the cost for the same surgery plus a longer hospital stay is  $11,000 and $13,000.  Both are highly rated, very experienced surgeons working out of hospitals.  I have communicated with a dozen of their previous patients and read, probably 50 testimonials and blogs and other writings about them. Can't find anything bad about them - no complaints; more than I can say about some of the US surgeons and hospitals.

Plus, by circumventing all the BS that the US docs do (which runs up the costs) I can get a surgery date in weeks instead of 6-12+ months.

I also discovered a number of post-op people who have taken to YouTube to chronicle their experiences.  YouTube seems to attract a certain kind of person, at least on this subject.  Let's just say they like to hear themselves talk.  There are glimmers of good info, but for the most part - not so much.

However, the benefit of YouTube is the visual. For the topic which concerns most of us very large women it is:  what happens after the weight is lost?  What remains?  Answer:  Lots of skin.  The women brave enough to show it prove that it is not pretty.  In fact, it gave me great pause.  The likelihood of being able to afford plastic surgery is slim to none. 

That shut me down for a couple of days.  No - in truth, I went on a bit of a binge.  After all, when stressed - eat.  How crazy is that?

And yes, I know that having this surgery will mean big changes to that particular issue of mine.  I have given a great deal of thought to it and also read a lot about it.  I know that there are people like Carney Wilson who managed to circumvent the surgery and gain weight back and I don't want to be one of those people.  This is my opportunity to make the changes that need to be made.  Like one guy said on a forum: "I went into surgery a fat guy and I came out as a skinny guy.  I decided to live that way the rest of my life." 

The surgeon required a low carb, low fat diet for at least the week or so before surgery.  I had pasta for dinner tonight and that is going to be the last time for a long time.  Maybe forever.  It will be worth it.

PRETTY MUCH PLAIN VANILLA - YUM

A couple of years ago  frozen yogurt places started popping up all over the place.  At the time I just didn't "bite."  I'm not sure why.  Way back in the '80's before Tom and I were married we frequently went out after dinner for fro yo.  Then it just went away for a long time.

This last week though,  I wanted a little something and I was tired of the Atkins bars stashed in the drawer of my desk.  I went into the yogurt place near work - Yogurtland - and found they had a no sugar added option in French Vanilla (my favorite flavor) and so I eyeballed a fist size and added some chopped almonds.  It was 6 ounces total and it was good.

 When I got back to work I went on their website and was delighted to see that 4 oz was just 80 calories - so I think the yogurt was probably 5 oz and the nuts 1 oz.  That adds up to less than one of my Atkins bars! 

However,  there was only one no-sugar added flavor available and  they change the flavors frequently; so I can't count on there being a friendly flavor everytime, so I will have to be willing to walk away!

Could you?  Do you FroYo?

FEELING GOOD

Last night I got home from work and was making my usual cup of decaf tea to unwind before going to bed.  I realized that if I knew how to whistle, I'd be whistling a happy tune.  I felt good.  I felt no pain.  I felt like myself again.

Now this may sound really lame, but part of it was because the back pain is gone and the tightness is going away - but it was also because I came home to a clean floor.  I took my time and didn't do anything strenuous, but I swept, vacuumed and mopped the floors.  The pleasure of the clean floors was equal to my pleasure of having no pain!

BUTTON, BUTTTON

I have not made a big effort to weigh in or measure myself in the past week.  I have focused on my diet, tracking my calories, and getting out to exercise.

Tonight at work I buttoned my vest for the first time in a few months.  It's  a bit close fitting, but it buttons and that is a big step forward!  Next step, into the smaller size they ordered for me in error. 

THANKS!

My e-mail is giving me fits - nothing will leave the outbox.  So I will just say thank you for your kind wishes and offers to kick my butt.

It is much too soon to say I have turned that corner, but I have easily made it through another day, eating healthy, logging my foods and though I did not go to the gym I did some aerobic housework and went up and down the stirs several times just for good measure.

I feel more light hearted today.

Thanks again!

CONSISTENTLY INCONSISTENT

In the past few months I have not been able to figure out why I have been so inconsistent in so many areas of my life - but mostly in the diet and exercise department.

I have tried a few different approaches.  I have tried to get to the bottom of my feelings or fears or whatever emotional roadblock might be in place.  I have paid attention to my hunger.  I have eaten intuitively...boy that was a mistake - my intuition is heavily into Haagen Daz!*   I discovered a new, fabulous line of whole grain breads and feasted on several loaves of them.  I went for several days eating only fruit, veggies and a protein drink.  That went well and I don't even know why I stopped doing that.

I am at the point now that my work clothes don't fit.  I had to order a couple of shirts to wear out and about because most of my remaining clothes are too tight.  Somehow the "shame" of that hasn't even motivated me.

Neither has being the one to pay $100.00 a month for my gym membership gotten me to the gym more frequently. 

One of the reasons I stopped posting is because I feel so foolish when I look back at my ever so hopeful new plans which have not lasted.

The thing is that I don't know what the heck is going on with me and why I am allowing all the hard work of 2010 to be lost.  I just know I have to turn this corner somehow.  I want my integrity back.  I want to do what I say I will do.



*  I know that is not actually the way intuitive eating works - I was joking...

NOW I AM TRYING A MANTRA

I have been doing pretty well on the Anti-Inflammatory eating plan.  I have had a couple of slip-slidey days and I am working out how to deal with those things which cause me to overeat and/or eat the "wrong" things.

Stress is the big one, .but  boredom is another.  Specifically boredom at work.  The other night I had plenty to eat in my little lunch bag.  But it was very quiet and very boring and I was wanting to fill up that time and fill up that void of nothing to do with food.  Tonight I didn't really bring enough to eat but I snagged some peanuts from the bar and got pleasantly filled up.  Did that stop me from wanting to eat?  No.

So I found myself saying  "You are not hungry.  This is not about food.  Food is not the answer."  Which is, of course the quote I have on my header!  So now I am reinforcing that little mantra by sharing it here. 

Shall we chant in unison?

 

WANDERING THE VALLEY

Well, I have not fallen off the face of the earth as my lack of posting would suggest - just fallen off the "good" path.  I suspect it can be tedious to read about all the reason we yo-yo types have for these periods of wandering in the valley of overindulgence. 

And overindulgence it is as I am so aware not only of the destruction of the hard work I have put in by gaining back what I have lost but worse yet is that I don't even feel good.  After just a few days of not eating sugar I can feel the inflammation in my knees and feet subsiding.  So why do I think eating chocolate or whatever the indulgence of the moment is makes me feel better?

I need to take to heart the quote on my header - If hunger is not the problem, food is not the answer.  And one step further, food is not only the answer - eating what is wrong for me is causing a problem.

ANOTHER GOOD WEEK

Week 2 has continued well,  only 3 trips to the gym but the weather was so nice I was happily working at getting my outdoor mosaic area cleaned up and started a new project.  I have planned out some garden projects which I am buying plantings for today, my day off, and I will manage 5 trips to the gym this week now that things are in order.

I lost 3 pounds this week and can feel it in my work clothes.  No big revelations to discuss - just that I made Broccoli Salad which sustained me most of the week!

I am off to the garden center now...

CHECKING IN

Just a quick post to check in.

I am very proud of myself!  I have been completely ON.  I have tracked my foods everyday and kept my calories under 1500.  Been to the gym 4 times and have lost 3 pounds this week.

I treated myself to a mani-pedi and 1 cocktail when out to dinner.

More postings to come...but now I am preparing a nice dinner for my night off - salmon for the grill, broccoli salad and brown rice.

It finally stopped raining and I am going to take the dog for a long walk.

WILL POWER IN A MINE FIELD

What is there to say?  Yo Yo Me here.  Although when I got on the scale at the gym on Sunday and saw the upwards creep I was shocked and have been on track since.  I also had occasion to put on the old vest they gave me when I started my job in November and I can't button it.  Yikes.  So then I measured myself and I am many inches larger than I was in early November. 

Not good.  Not the direction I want to be going.  No, no, no.

I could do a show and tell ( but I won't because running around the lobby and office with a camera would be frowned upon) of all the temptations I am surrounded by every night I work and you would understand.  Bowls of candy, trays of pastries and cookie jars which I must keep stocked also popcorn and these amazing flavored peanuts in the bar.  And yes, there are bowls of fruit, too. 

I bring my nice healthy dinner each night and drink lots of water and green tea.  The majority of the time I am not tempted.  I am busy or  good at distracting myself.  It is just those nights that I slip, I can't even say what it is that happens or why some times I am just so hungry and nothing fills me up.

I have always had extraordinary "will power."  I realize at some point after the summer I just stopped having the will.  Now I need to summon it up again.  Times are tough but I need to get tougher!

I AM A YO-YO

I never thought of myself as a yo-yo dieter because I would stick with a diet and lose weight,  then over a period of years gain it back and start again.  That would make me a very slow motion yo-yo, at best!  So although I have gained and lost over and over the past 20 some odd years, I didn't label myself that way.

Now it is different.  I have been going up and down over and over in the past 7 months or so.  Repeatedly and quickly in true yo-yo style.  I know that there is this trend to say that dieting somehow causes this.  I don't use diet in that way - I just think it is a bit phony and forced to use other terms.  Dieting means staying on a healthy plan.  No dieting, for me, means overeating and eating the wrong foods.  I have no problem with being "on a diet" for life because it is the best way for me to eat mindfully.

What I want is to deal with those things which compel me to eat poorly. Especially stress and to some degree depression.  Stress makes me anxious, eating sooths me.  Depression is the loss of  a sense of worth which I also sooth with "treats."  If the general overeating and eating of sweets and breads, etc. didn't work so well, I may have turned to drugs or alcohol for my solace. What this tells me is that it is time to make a greater effort to deal with the issues which bring on this behaviour so I can stop being such a yo-yo.

DIET MYTHOLOGY

Myth Buster #7

Myth: You can spot-reduce to lose weight.

Fact: On the contrary, the way to achieve sleeker legs or a flatter stomach, if that's where you're carrying your body fat, is to increase your lean muscle tissue throughout your body. By working all your muscles, you increase your metabolism. Up your metabolism and watch your eating, and you'll start looking the way you want to.

This was one of the "Fitness Myths" on a website I clicked on today. Though the idea was to "bust" the myth - I think they have just proven that anyone can get their body to "look the way you want to" is the biggest lie yet. No matter how hard I ever worked, my body never   looked the way I wanted it to because I wanted to have slim thighs and a small butt!

In my day bootylicious was not the ideal - I had a body like Beyonce and was considered fat.  No one asked me to dance in the clubs, they asked my skinny friends with hips like little boys. 

 No amount of diet and exercise was going to make me look like Farrah! 

The reality is that ideal body types come and go, just like fashion. To some degree JLo, Beyonce and Kim Kardashian have made the girls who are have womanly curves acceptable to society in a way we weren't for many years.

They are proof that women don't have to look like boys with boobs to be attractive and that is great - except for the girls who look like boys with boobs who now wish they had "junk in their trunks" and are padding themselves up or going in for dangerous cosmetic procedures to make their bodies look  "the way they want to look."

We come in all sizes and shapes and no amount of diet and exercise is going to make us look the same - or look like something we are not genetically made to be. 

So - Diet Myth # 7 isn't about looking like we want to look - it is about looking the best we can  - whether it is in style or not.

BUILDING A ROUTINE

I finally updated my statistics to show my yo-yo activity of the past few months.  I hated putting a gain for December because I had started off so strong and had been losing until the end of the month when it all reversed! 

Working 5 days a week is really helping me stay on track.  I have breakfast and a good sized lunch and then pack my dinner to take with me to work at 3.  This keeps me out of the kitchen during the hours I am most likely to snack and otherwise run my calories up.  I have gotten past feeling hungry when I get home after 11 by breaking my dinner into 2 parts and having the second part around 8 pm.  Then when I get home a cup of tea is enough to help me relax before bed. 

Lately I have been relying on the "protein pretzels" from Lifestyle for part of my dinner.  I can dip them into hummus or eat them with some string cheese or Laughing Cow soft cheese.  I have a couple of carrots and celery sticks and a little tomato and I am full.  My second dinner break favorite has been 1/2 cup each of strawberries and vanilla Greek yogurt -   kind of like a dessert.

I have been managing my calories at 1200-1350, and I am back to losing 2 pounds a week.  Next step is to up the exercise intensity and hope my knees continue to feel strong.

Plus, 2 more days and I get a manicure!

CHECK THE TOES

Next carrot is a manicure - I hardly ever go in for those so it would be a real treat.  I am saving my pennies and calories for that.  One week on plan plus 5 gym visits and my cuticles will be as happy as my toes.

CARROTS

Even with good news on the job front, I am not out of the grip of all the stress.  I am still having a good day or two and then lapsing back into "carb loading" which is just another way of saying stress eating.  So now I am hanging out the carrots - you know, the carrots in front of the nose of the donkey to make the stubborn ole thing get a move on?  Those carrots.

I have been wanting to get a pedicure for a couple of weeks.  I have put aside the mere $20.00 I need to do it.  I  have made a deal with myself that I will go as soon as I manage 3 days in a row on plan including 2 days of exercise.

The stress is not going away.  At least not any time soon.  I have to find ways to manage it without overeating/eating the wrong foods. I am hoping that these carrot driven deals will help.  (Otherwise my toenails are going to poke hole through all my socks!*)

I have a really big carrot in mind when I go a month straight - I am going to use a housecleaning service!


*And yes, I know I can trim my own toenails...