A YEAR OF LOSS - NOW MAINTENANCE

I am now a year from the start of my weight loss.   Last year I was on my pre-op liquid only diet for the
week leading up to my BPD-DS weight loss surgery. I was asked to lose 20 pounds in the month between the time I scheduled my surgery and when it occurred - and I did it.  A lot of people said why did I need surgery if I could lose 20 pounds in a month?  Clearly people who were not aware of just how many times I had lost that 20 pounds (or 80 pounds) and gained it back!!

I reached my goal to lose 130 pounds last month.  I am working on a maintenance diet now - I lost a few pounds and gained a few - so I guess I am doing it right.  My latest labs are just coming back and I see I still need to work on my supplements and protein intake - that's why we keep up with the labs every 3 months.  Even though I can eat more, my body is still adjusting to these changes and I need to keep my awareness up with regard to what it needs to remain healthy.

I made a mistake in switching to a different potassium supplement - the quality must not have been good because my potassium really dropped down, even though I was taking it every day.  I went right out and got the one my doctor prescribed.

I am still struggling with my protein intake.  The same old song.  I feel like I eat all day long and still can't get enough grams of protein in.  I am going to have to get more creative.

If I get too heavy on the carb side of the food pyramid,  my body certainly reminds me.  No just the gassy kind of reminder, but I get diarrhea, too.  I don't mean to get gross, but simply to inform as I know there are people wanting to get the real picture of this whole life changing surgery.  While I can carefully and selectively eat carbs - there is a consequence of going too far!

 I am happy to say that I get to enjoy a few cocktails when we go out.  Wine is hard on my stomach and I can't drink enough of it to get tipsy - but a good martini goes down easily and has yet to give me grief!

I have been getting to the gym less which is not ideal.  I need to get back  to  weight workouts.  I know that building muscle is important and will make me feel and look better, too.

We ride bikes every weekend and I can tell I am stronger and faster as time goes by.  We also started taking dance lessons - Western Swing dancing to be specific.  Two nights a week we are dancing for a couple of hours.  Fun, good exercise and another great activity for us to do together.

So that's the physical side of things - more on the emotional side coming up.

NEW GOAL?

I have been amazed and humbled by how fast I have lost so much weight.  I have always had to work so hard for weight loss - no matter how low my calories and high my exercise level, it has always been a struggle.

October 2012 I had already lost almost 20 lbs pre-op.

Now not quite 9 months since surgery and I am down 126 pounds.  Today I updated my "weight loss ticker" and see I am 4 pounds from my original goal and am wondering what my new goal should be.

 I am already focused on my fitness, so that continues to be something I want to challenge.  I had a great meeting with a trainer and got a whole bunch of new stuff to work on.  Tom and I did  25 miles on the bikes today and it was so easy -  now I need to see if I can do more hilly rides to challenge myself (I had to walk the bike up one hill today...)

But the weight thing, I am not sure about.  I have not been especially weight focused through life because I have always "weighed more" than I look.  Maybe aiming for a clothing size?  I am not all that attached to being a certain size but it was a bit of a thrill to buy a pair of size 12 capri pants.  Most of the things I have been buying are 14 or a large, but I have a couple of mediums, now, too.   I was a 12 when I got married and even though size 12 is bigger now than it was then - hey - a size 12 is cool with me!

July 4, 2013

Some people do lose more weight after this surgery than they plan on.  I really hope I will not be one of the people who end up having an issue with that.  I am noticing every week now that I can eat more at a sitting and make an effort to add more fruits and veggies to my daily meals in addition to the required protein.

I try to add fat where I can, too.  Sounds funny in this fat phobic world, but I need more fat since I only absorb about 40% of what I eat.  Fat is good for hair, skin, digestion and vitamin absorption.

This morning we went out to breakfast on our bike ride and I had 1 egg with some cheese scrambled in and 2 1/2 slices of bacon.  I was amazed I could eat all that!  I couldn't last month.  So if I keep this up I should be able to stop the weight loss and start the life long maintenance of my new, healthier bod.

5 MONTHS POST - OP BPS-DS WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY

Or maybe some sugar free protein ice cream...

I am now at the 5 month mark and have lost so much more weight than I expected in this time frame.  I am down nearly 100 pounds already. I really didn't expect this.  My weight this month has been slower to come off - in fact it bounces up and down a bit but I think I will make it to the 100 pound mark by the end of the month or at most the first week of April.
I am going to the gym 3-4 times a week and have been going on weekend bike rides.  I am walking most weekdays at lunch for 10-20 minutes.  Hurray Spring weather.

I have been bad about logging my food for the last few weeks - but good about my vitamins and water.  The potassium supplement is still awful and I have missed it a few days here and there due to my desire to avoid gagging memory lapses.  I will do my next set of labs in late April.

I am experiencing hair loss.  I noticed about a month ago that the hair loss was creeping up.  I had a hair cut and my stylist confirmed it.  I am lucky that it is pretty evenly distributed and not leaving bald spots.  I take the appropriate supplements and will continue to use Nioxin shampoo - it is just part of the deal for over half of us who have weight loss surgery.

I calculated my BMI and I am very close to moving out of the "obese" category and into the "overweight" one.  I suspect I will never get into the normal range but that's okay with me - the trainer at my gym is borderline "obese" according to BMI and I wouldn't mind looking like her one bit!

DOWN 10 MORE

This is hard to explain but sometimes I worry that I will just keep losing weight until I disappear.

Don't take that to mean this weight loss is easy.  It isn't.  I work hard to meet my nutritional needs every day.  I have to take a lot of nasty vitamins and supplements 4 times a day. My diet doesn't have a lot of variety and while I am experiencing more hunger, most of the foods that sound good are off the table either because they are carb heavy or because when I go to eat them they don't taste good or feel good in my stomach.

I am loving being down 90 pounds!!  I am actually down  119 pounds from my highest weight a couple of years ago. I intend to lose at least 40 more.  Maybe 60 more.  That would get me to the weight I worked really hard to maintain in my 20's, so it seems unrealistic - but maybe not!

I had a good session with the trainer at they gym and have a long list of exercises geared to make me stronger and, with any luck, help fill in and take up some of the slack skin.

I don't think I'll disappear - but I am working to be a new, improved model of myself.

ONEDERLAND



Not past this sort of attitude - but on my way...

 My body is in onederland.

That is fat speak for making it out of the 200 pound range into the 199 and lower range! 

It is the promised land for many of us.  And a place I have not seen since the early 1990's.  Now let's see if I can make it to a weight I have not seen since the 1980's...

HURTS SO GOOD



None of these beautiful butts are mine!!

 I went to my new gym -  Club One Pleasanton - this morning to try the  Barre class.  I have spent the rest of the day sore and hobbling a bit...not a class for the arthritic knees.  But I did it.  I adjusted as best I could and made it through the entire class. 



No wonder I am sore...



The instructor, one of the owners of the gym, complimented me on the flexibility portions and I explained about the cranky old knees.  She said it varies each time and so there isn't always so much balancing on one leg, so I will be back. 

I am also looking forward to meeting the trainer, Jesse, who everyone raves about. He works kind of regular business hours so I am not sure when I am going to be able to catch up with him...



Oh my - I just lifted my arms up and they are so sore!  Going back tomorrow...

LOTS TO CELEBRATE

I was reading around on the weight loss surgery sites over the weekend.  It is amazing how many people who have had surgery in the past 3 months and how differently they are doing.  Somehow I missed that when I was researching the process. 

One woman wrote about how much pain she still has after a month - I had none after a week.  Another wrote out her daily food log and after 3 weeks she is eating practically normally - including beef ribs.  A bite of beef puts my stomach into a knot and I am 8 weeks out.  I noticed a post from someone about how great brie cheese is - well, I loved it going down but the "back end" was anything but great!

I am just happy that I have made it through the holiday season - made wonderful meals for my family and ate at the table with them.  We dined out and I ate my little portions without it being a big deal.  I still made cookies and desserts and, my favorite,  "Monkey Bread" without eating any of it. 

I have lost 65 pounds since September, I am into some 1X  clothes and practically everything I was wearing in September has been taken in or donated away.  My body looks alarmingly different and I hope that exercise will help tighten and lift things.  I need to buy new Spanks because my current pair are too big.  And new bras because I can't fill in the ones I have!

While my husband considers it a waste to go out to celebrate New Years because I can't drink or eat much - I know there is a lot worth celebrating for my health and my looks and the benefits to both in the year ahead.

MOTIVATION

I got word today that I am set to have my surgery on October 23.  I also received a very strict diet to follow prior to surgery and a suggestion from the doctor that I try to lose 20 pounds before then. He wants my BMI down 3 points!

The diet is basically 2 protein shakes and a "lean and green" meal, preferably at lunch. The week before surgery is a little different; more variety in the protein and as few carbs as possible. I feel confident that I can do that, with the exception of the weekend getaway we have planned for our anniversary. 

That trip actually had a lot to do with my making the decision to go ahead with the surgery.  Tom was talking about going hiking and bike riding and I felt so bad and embarrassed that I have gotten to the point that I can't do those things.  At least not for long and not easily.  My knees have gotten so painful that I can't sleep well some nights and my gait is really different.  I miss being graceful.

I have been wearing my gym shoes to work every day and walking for 5 minutes here and 10 minutes there throughout the day.  I need to build up my stamina and strength, both for the trip and for the surgery.  More than anything - and I mean this- I look forward to being able to exercise.  I have always liked my gym time, hard as it may be to fit in.

I like the idea of looking better and shopping in regular stores, too,  but I have no illusions that this old body is just going to snap back.  I am going to get Tom to take some "before" pictures this week to put aside. I have taken my measurements already, bought my post-op vitamin and mineral supplements and some samples of high protein foods and supplements.

Making this happen.

HOW FAST IT GOES AWAY

I  let my gym membership go about a month after I started the new job - so 2 months ago now.  I loved the gym but it was $100. a month, about 12 miles the opposite direction from my job and in heavy commute traffic.  I know that the only time I would have gone was on the weekends.

Of course I had high hopes for going on walks and using my little hand weights to keep my fitness level up.  I thought I would just put music on and dance like Kirsty Ally said she did.  I researched the possibility of buying my favorite aerobic machine to have at home - at $5000. Tom put the kibosh on that idea.  So nothing has happened.  A few bike rides, that's about it.

And oh do I feel it.  I am all soft and jiggly and I have put in inch on around my hips and waist. I get out of breath just walking.  It is bad.

My employer has a bunch of exercise equipment in his garage that he keeps saying he is going to bring into our warehouse for all of us to use.  We have made some preparations - but I don't know when it might really happen - so I joined a gym.  It is a month to month thing so I can cancel easily.  Lots of equipment, pretty good parking, it's kind of smelly but it's right on the way to or from work. And cheap.

I joined 5 days ago - I haven't gone yet.

THE BEST THING ON PINTEREST

This is what has me pondering these days.  I have been driven by nothing but eating for a couple of weeks.  My clothes are too tight, I feel like crap, I am spending money I don't have, I am procrastinating and letting people down..  So being fat and getting fatter is hard.  Time to choose my hard.

BUTTON, BUTTTON

I have not made a big effort to weigh in or measure myself in the past week.  I have focused on my diet, tracking my calories, and getting out to exercise.

Tonight at work I buttoned my vest for the first time in a few months.  It's  a bit close fitting, but it buttons and that is a big step forward!  Next step, into the smaller size they ordered for me in error. 

CONSISTENTLY INCONSISTENT

In the past few months I have not been able to figure out why I have been so inconsistent in so many areas of my life - but mostly in the diet and exercise department.

I have tried a few different approaches.  I have tried to get to the bottom of my feelings or fears or whatever emotional roadblock might be in place.  I have paid attention to my hunger.  I have eaten intuitively...boy that was a mistake - my intuition is heavily into Haagen Daz!*   I discovered a new, fabulous line of whole grain breads and feasted on several loaves of them.  I went for several days eating only fruit, veggies and a protein drink.  That went well and I don't even know why I stopped doing that.

I am at the point now that my work clothes don't fit.  I had to order a couple of shirts to wear out and about because most of my remaining clothes are too tight.  Somehow the "shame" of that hasn't even motivated me.

Neither has being the one to pay $100.00 a month for my gym membership gotten me to the gym more frequently. 

One of the reasons I stopped posting is because I feel so foolish when I look back at my ever so hopeful new plans which have not lasted.

The thing is that I don't know what the heck is going on with me and why I am allowing all the hard work of 2010 to be lost.  I just know I have to turn this corner somehow.  I want my integrity back.  I want to do what I say I will do.



*  I know that is not actually the way intuitive eating works - I was joking...

SPECIAL EVENTS

I read a quote by someone about the fact that we worry about what we are going to eat during the holidays when what we should really worry about is what we are eating the other 50 weeks of the year.  So true.  We do get very concerned about the opportunities to overindulge during special occasions.  Many people speak about being unwilling to give up the pleasures of rich restaurant meals, family favorites, desserts and cocktails - while  being bombarded by advice on the many ways we can avoid adding calories and pounds and still enjoy ourselves.  Yeah, right.
In truth, if we have been paying attention the rest of the year - is it really such a big deal to indulge during these special occasions?  Beyond the question of forbidden foods and falling off the wagon and all the other ways we label our behavior around food, I think the fear is that we just plain will not stop eating once we start!

In a way this is true of me.  There are so many foods I can ignore all around me much of the time.  I can eat out in a restaurant and not reach for the bread basket or the chips and salsa.  I can say no to dessert without a qualm, I can cheerfully choose the scrambled eggs over the french toast and navigate a buffet spread selecting the healthy items.  However...if I have made monkey bread for my family by request, I will pick at it all day until the tiny portion I served myself at breakfast has ballooned into hundreds of calories. 

While I don't have an "I blew it so I might as well eat (enter ridiculously high calorie food here)" attitude, I do notice that when I have allowed myself to take a vacation from calorie counting for a special occasion - it may take me days or even  weeks to get completely back on track.   

I think this will continue to happen unless I manage to get over my attachment to certain foods.  When I can pass on the foods which currently hold me in their thrall (like good bread) then I will be able to enjoy special events without them turning into breaks from my normal, more healthy, and yes, more restricted eating. 

But I've got to tell you - the Lemon Drop Martinis I had were so worth it, not to mention the tempura fried asparagus appetizer and the pear, caramelized onion and bleu cheese pizza and the bite of sticky toffee pudding and...well, you get the picture!

On the other hand, the photos of the last week do not show me looking the way I would like to look and my knees are giving me trouble.  I do understand that I need to be on the healthy eating and gym attendance routine in order to look and feel better when the next special occasion comes up.

WILL POWER IN A MINE FIELD

What is there to say?  Yo Yo Me here.  Although when I got on the scale at the gym on Sunday and saw the upwards creep I was shocked and have been on track since.  I also had occasion to put on the old vest they gave me when I started my job in November and I can't button it.  Yikes.  So then I measured myself and I am many inches larger than I was in early November. 

Not good.  Not the direction I want to be going.  No, no, no.

I could do a show and tell ( but I won't because running around the lobby and office with a camera would be frowned upon) of all the temptations I am surrounded by every night I work and you would understand.  Bowls of candy, trays of pastries and cookie jars which I must keep stocked also popcorn and these amazing flavored peanuts in the bar.  And yes, there are bowls of fruit, too. 

I bring my nice healthy dinner each night and drink lots of water and green tea.  The majority of the time I am not tempted.  I am busy or  good at distracting myself.  It is just those nights that I slip, I can't even say what it is that happens or why some times I am just so hungry and nothing fills me up.

I have always had extraordinary "will power."  I realize at some point after the summer I just stopped having the will.  Now I need to summon it up again.  Times are tough but I need to get tougher!

DIET MYTHOLOGY

Myth Buster #7

Myth: You can spot-reduce to lose weight.

Fact: On the contrary, the way to achieve sleeker legs or a flatter stomach, if that's where you're carrying your body fat, is to increase your lean muscle tissue throughout your body. By working all your muscles, you increase your metabolism. Up your metabolism and watch your eating, and you'll start looking the way you want to.

This was one of the "Fitness Myths" on a website I clicked on today. Though the idea was to "bust" the myth - I think they have just proven that anyone can get their body to "look the way you want to" is the biggest lie yet. No matter how hard I ever worked, my body never   looked the way I wanted it to because I wanted to have slim thighs and a small butt!

In my day bootylicious was not the ideal - I had a body like Beyonce and was considered fat.  No one asked me to dance in the clubs, they asked my skinny friends with hips like little boys. 

 No amount of diet and exercise was going to make me look like Farrah! 

The reality is that ideal body types come and go, just like fashion. To some degree JLo, Beyonce and Kim Kardashian have made the girls who are have womanly curves acceptable to society in a way we weren't for many years.

They are proof that women don't have to look like boys with boobs to be attractive and that is great - except for the girls who look like boys with boobs who now wish they had "junk in their trunks" and are padding themselves up or going in for dangerous cosmetic procedures to make their bodies look  "the way they want to look."

We come in all sizes and shapes and no amount of diet and exercise is going to make us look the same - or look like something we are not genetically made to be. 

So - Diet Myth # 7 isn't about looking like we want to look - it is about looking the best we can  - whether it is in style or not.

A NEW START

What is it about being given a new chance, a change, that gets us all revved up and making resolutions?  I have not been posting because I have been  living in such a misery of financial issues and  the stress of job hunting, interviewing, waiting, worrying.  Letting myself down by overeating and not exercising even though I know it is counterproductive.

I finally got a job offer - or at least a "two week trial" for a full time position.  The uncertainty of it and our financial need made it clear I would keep the weekend job - so I would be commuting to the one position 5 days a week, keeping me away from home from 7 am until 5:45 pm.  and then working 3-11 on Saturday and Sunday. 

This weekend I had committed to work from noon until 11 to help a coworker.  I was a bit sorry when I saw that the weather was supposed to be (and was) beautiful and warm - but when I added that to having worked at the new job and going back out on Monday morning at 7 am I was worried about being at my best.

But when I came to work at the hotel I was offered a full time job - someone had given notice!  While there are some pluses to the other job - the commute is such a huge negative (and the fact that it shuts me out from working with my sister in the staging business for extra income,) really makes it no contest.  So I am going to be able to finally have a full time job with benefits with time to do other things, like go to the gym and see people and have flexibility.

So I am looking out at the lovely day  and thinking of all the things I will be able to do in the days to come - promising that I will actually do them and not get caught up in misery and depression and let time go by - not let time be wasted. 

THE LESSON OF THE DAY

"...constant stress can make losing weight more difficult than it needs to be. Research shows that chronic stress can affect your metabolism, promoting fat storage, and increasing cravings for sugary, high-fat “comfort foods."

This was the message in my Spark People e-mail this morning.  The article was about stress from weight loss expectations, but stress from any source can cause the same issues, as I well know.  The last 7 weeks have wrecked havoc on my psyche and it certainly shows in my weight. 

The article goes on to say "determination for weight loss despite high stress in other areas of your life may indicate that you don’t fully appreciate the difficulties of trying to lose weight, or the importance of modifying your weight loss expectations when other aspects of life become difficult. Sometimes, just holding your own and not gaining (or regaining) weight is a very significant accomplishment!"

That's nice, but when it comes down to it, the stress in my life is not going away anytime soon.  And the fact is, it has been going on for almost 8 years now and has certainly contributed to the significant amount of weight I need to lose in the first place.  So holding steady until it passes isn't really an option I want to accept.

What I see that I need to do is to have more things in place to turn to when the stress ratchets up, as it has in the past couple of months.  Something more helpful than peanut butter cups, that is!

Another article I jumped to said "...eating when stressed is a somewhat learned behavior. Yes, there is brain chemistry involved, but over time, we can rewire our brains to not let stress affect our eating and energy levels."    and  "Then when you're faced with stress, take a few deep breaths, recognize the stress for what it is, and try to deal with the stressor as calmly and effectively as you can. If you have cravings remind yourself that your body's hormones are being tricked and this too shall pass."

This is the area where I have difficulty.  I don't always recognise that I am reacting negatively to increased stress until I have succumbed to cravings.  I need to have more stress reduction activites in place so that I can increase my self awareness and my ability to fight off the negative and destructive ways I try to deal with it.

So I take back my earlier complaint about all the Spark People e-mails - this one was very helpful!

ME, FEELING

Under my surface of calm are the layers of chaos.  Like the duck moving smoothly over the water with feet paddling like crazy underneath.  When all the stress and unresolved feelings build up and I feel threatened by them, then I stuff them down, smooth them over by putting my focus on eating instead.  I am not sure when I started behaving this way, I know that the last 10 years it has become a damaging cycle of behaviour.

I can't believe this is how my life turned out.  We really didn't do anything wrong.  We just didn't, somehow,  do it right.  We are in bad financial situation and I am frustrated and upset and freaking out.

I have written and re-written this post a dozen times in the last week.  I am at turns angry and whiny and at all times feeling sorry for myself - so I have deleted most of it.  It serves no purpose. Life isn't fair.  Bla, bla, bla.

I am pulling myself together and getting back to the gym and healthy eating because not doing so has not helped.  I know that.  When I managed to get myself quiet and face what was going on I could see that right away.  I slipped back to the old response to stress so smoothly that I hardly knew I had done it until I was in deep.  Especially because it all started over the holidays!

My pants feel tight, I am jiggly and can tell by climbing the stairs that I have lost my aerobic gains.  It is all fixable.  Just got to get back to it.  I've done it before.

PLAN FOR ANOTHER DAY

I am a person who plans things out.  Especially when it comes to my time,  I look at the week ahead of me and take in many factors and map it out.  Tom has been met with the "fish eye" on more than one occasion when he mentioned the night before that he wanted to use my car the next day - because, of course, I would have planned my week differently if I had known I would be saddled with the biggest truck in the world on any given day.  I pretty much stay home when I have that vehicle at my disposal...

We have been having lousy weather (for NorCal anyway) for a few months. ( I know, I have turned into a whiner about it.)  So when it was forecast that today was going to be the nicest, warmest, sunniest day of this week - I planned around it.  I have to plant 6 big flower pots for our home staging job on Friday, some other outdoor chores and poor Hilda has not been out for a walk in ages (her bad back does poorly in the cold); then there is that new resolution and pedometer.



A younger, more spry version of Hilda!

 Today dawned as frosty and foggy as the other days this week but I was hopeful that the sun would indeed come out.  Hoping, hoping, piling on layers of clothing, hoping...the sun finally peeked through at about 2:30.  I went out to plant but I kept having to come inside to warm my hands and there was no way I could take little Hilda out when the temperature is 43 degrees rather than the promised 60 degrees.

So it has been a day of frustrations, fits and starts on my to-do list.  I have only managed 5500 steps so I am going to have to get out on my own and hope that there is a warmer day before the rain starts so Hilda can trot along with me.

WALKING IS RESOLUTION ONE

One of the things I plan to do this year is to walk more.  I did the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer many years ago and although I found walking the very long distances pretty boring, the walking itself was really good for me.  I did the 60 plus mile walk in 2 days with no more damage than some blisters and blackened toe nails!

I wish I had the wonderful trail system my sisters have where they live, or a waterfront walk like Cammy enjoys.  A short drive takes me to a few parks to avoid the tedium of suburban neighborhoods - so I shouldn't bemoan what I don't have and enjoy the fact that there is not snow on the ground here!

I pulled out my pedometer today to start counting my steps toward the recommended 10,000 per day - but the battery is dead!

I am walking out the door to buy batteries right now...