MAKING CHOICES

I had a job interview after work today and Tom offered to take me out to dinner.  I realize from the foods he is craving and wanting to have when we go out that he is missing some of the pasta dishes I used to make!

I ordered an appetizer, which is my new entree these days.  Two nice fat crab cakes arrived.  I ate about 3/4 of one of them and took the other one home to have for lunch tomorrow!  Sometimes I am frustrated by how little I can eat.  That old "mouth hunger" is still there and something I need to be mindful of because as time goes by, my stomach will be able to handle more food.  I am lucky that I had already been well educated about and for the most part living with a high protein/low carb diet.  For many people it is a big learning curve - so different from what they have been taught about the best way to lose weight.

In many ways it is so much easier to make good choices when there are specific limits in place, things that are good and others that are bad.  For me, tracking my foods with limits or levels in mind for my carbs, fats, proteins, etc. gives me that structure to work within. 

Tom and I went to the Farmer's Market the other day and he stopped by a bakery stand to get something and was upset that I wasn't going to get something, too.  But I knew I would be able to find a snack that worked for me and just a few stands away I bought a packet of almonds which I enjoyed. In the past I would have felt let down that I "couldn't have" a yummy pastry, but right now I am happy with the better choice for my health and my goals.

A COMPLIMENT?

I went to a meeting last night for the new business I am starting.  I saved a seat for my friend and was keeping an eye out for her arrival.

I missed seeing her come in the door but saw her approach from the other direction.  Apparently she didn't recognise me when she came in.  I asked her if I really looked so different - she gave me an "are you kidding me?" look.

It is hard to see it in ourselves.  I certainly see it in my clothes,  most of which are hanging off me or new.  I feel it when I am putting lotion on after a shower; seems like every week I feel new bones emerging.  I even noticed that my behind hurt after a long drive - that big ole' cushion is missing!

But to look so different that someone who has known me for 10 years had trouble picking me out in a crowd?  Wow.

FOOD NOW

I was on You Tube looking at some videos a friend directed me to - nothing to do with weight loss or surgery - but I saw there were also some videos done by weight loss surgery post-op people so I clicked over.  Guess those Internet cookies do hook people in...

Anyway.  there was a young woman talking about her experience 12 weeks out from surgery. She sounded very sad and I can relate.  While it is exciting to lose weight at such a fast pace, to hear the compliments from others - having your world turned upside down is difficult.  For many people, food is a pleasure.  Planning meals, cooking and eating is a big part of our lives. Those of us who indulge in too much food have a set of problems that people who can enjoy without going overboard don't have.

One of the little talked about effects of weight loss surgery is that you not only lose your appetite, you lose your enjoyment.  Things taste different, things you liked to eat not only don't taste the same they make you feel bad when you eat them.  And I am not talking about indulgences - I mean things like eggs or yogurt or chicken.

The young woman in the video was sad about this, worried that it wouldn't change back and she wouldn't achieve her dream of becoming a chef because of it. I worry , too.  I struggle to get the 800 calories a day I am supposed to be eating.  Most days I don't.  It is hard to eat when you feel bad and nothing tastes right. 

I went to the movies the other night and took a chance on a small bag of popcorn. I felt pleasure in food for the first time in 10 weeks.  It tasted good.  I nibbled slowly and made it through almost half the bag in the 3 hours I sat there.  I am not "supposed to" be eating carbs - but  it was worth bending the rules to know I could feel that pleasure again. Then yesterday I was cutting up a pineapple and I ate 3 chunks of it - oh, my.  It was so good. 

So the old pleasure is there to be had - right now not in the protein foods I need to be focused on, but it's there waiting for me to be healed and healthy again.

LOTS TO CELEBRATE

I was reading around on the weight loss surgery sites over the weekend.  It is amazing how many people who have had surgery in the past 3 months and how differently they are doing.  Somehow I missed that when I was researching the process. 

One woman wrote about how much pain she still has after a month - I had none after a week.  Another wrote out her daily food log and after 3 weeks she is eating practically normally - including beef ribs.  A bite of beef puts my stomach into a knot and I am 8 weeks out.  I noticed a post from someone about how great brie cheese is - well, I loved it going down but the "back end" was anything but great!

I am just happy that I have made it through the holiday season - made wonderful meals for my family and ate at the table with them.  We dined out and I ate my little portions without it being a big deal.  I still made cookies and desserts and, my favorite,  "Monkey Bread" without eating any of it. 

I have lost 65 pounds since September, I am into some 1X  clothes and practically everything I was wearing in September has been taken in or donated away.  My body looks alarmingly different and I hope that exercise will help tighten and lift things.  I need to buy new Spanks because my current pair are too big.  And new bras because I can't fill in the ones I have!

While my husband considers it a waste to go out to celebrate New Years because I can't drink or eat much - I know there is a lot worth celebrating for my health and my looks and the benefits to both in the year ahead.

DOES FEAR HELP YOUR HEALTH?

After I wrote my last post I realized how much of my dietary habits have been born out of fear. 

I have the belief that " I choose" to order the salad instead of the pasta, I choose not to eat the bread. I choose the berries over the banana.  I choose no dessert. 

But when I read that I was happy that choosing to try the home made chips didn't trigger me to overeat. It hit me, am I making choices out of fear of getting "triggered" or slipping into bad habits?  It's not like I have ever been a big potato chip snacker.  How many other choices do I make because I am afraid? 

I turned down birthday cake at my own party because I had been sugar free for several months.  But really, that was fear. 

Does it matter why I am making the choices?  Is fear as good as any other motivation?

Is fear of getting fat or of triggering a binge or damaging health the way a lot of people stay healthy?

STEP 1 AGAIN

I mentioned in my main blog that I don't need to make a resolution to lose weight and get into shape - it holds honorary,  perennial status.

But I do need to have an approach.  January my goal is to get off and stay off sugar.  I started today.  My experience is that the physical "withdrawal" hits on day 2 or 3.  So I have planned to have some celery, carrots, nuts and popcorn on hand to nibble when the cravings hit.  I am also going to avoid the other bugaboos - like things made with white flour which can also set off those cravings.

My many years of experience tell me that after 5 days or so the sweets craving will subside and I can move to a new phase in my attack.  I am giving myself all of January to get my carby little  ducks in a row.  I have been pulling out veggie recipes and making meal plans.

I have a big clean out the pantry day planned, too.  My husband loves his sugar, but I can buy him things I won't be tempted by.  However, when the will power is low, I am known to go through the pantry and get creative.  So all the little leftover cookie makings will go out - the coconut, the toffee bits come to mind.

I am trying to get up the nerve to put one of those weight loss "tickers" on the sidebar.  I am not in the habit of revealing my actual weight.  Who am I kidding? I NEVER reveal my actual weight.  So we'll see about that leap.

I AM A YO-YO

I never thought of myself as a yo-yo dieter because I would stick with a diet and lose weight,  then over a period of years gain it back and start again.  That would make me a very slow motion yo-yo, at best!  So although I have gained and lost over and over the past 20 some odd years, I didn't label myself that way.

Now it is different.  I have been going up and down over and over in the past 7 months or so.  Repeatedly and quickly in true yo-yo style.  I know that there is this trend to say that dieting somehow causes this.  I don't use diet in that way - I just think it is a bit phony and forced to use other terms.  Dieting means staying on a healthy plan.  No dieting, for me, means overeating and eating the wrong foods.  I have no problem with being "on a diet" for life because it is the best way for me to eat mindfully.

What I want is to deal with those things which compel me to eat poorly. Especially stress and to some degree depression.  Stress makes me anxious, eating sooths me.  Depression is the loss of  a sense of worth which I also sooth with "treats."  If the general overeating and eating of sweets and breads, etc. didn't work so well, I may have turned to drugs or alcohol for my solace. What this tells me is that it is time to make a greater effort to deal with the issues which bring on this behaviour so I can stop being such a yo-yo.