Under my surface of calm are the layers of chaos. Like the duck moving smoothly over the water with feet paddling like crazy underneath. When all the stress and unresolved feelings build up and I feel threatened by them, then I stuff them down, smooth them over by putting my focus on eating instead. I am not sure when I started behaving this way, I know that the last 10 years it has become a damaging cycle of behaviour.
I can't believe this is how my life turned out. We really didn't do anything wrong. We just didn't, somehow, do it right. We are in bad financial situation and I am frustrated and upset and freaking out.
I have written and re-written this post a dozen times in the last week. I am at turns angry and whiny and at all times feeling sorry for myself - so I have deleted most of it. It serves no purpose. Life isn't fair. Bla, bla, bla.
I am pulling myself together and getting back to the gym and healthy eating because not doing so has not helped. I know that. When I managed to get myself quiet and face what was going on I could see that right away. I slipped back to the old response to stress so smoothly that I hardly knew I had done it until I was in deep. Especially because it all started over the holidays!
My pants feel tight, I am jiggly and can tell by climbing the stairs that I have lost my aerobic gains. It is all fixable. Just got to get back to it. I've done it before.
Sometimes writing about it can help with the stress. Or thinking. I have written a post of two that flowed out and felt great but I never even published!
ReplyDeleteHugs.
Yes, you can do it and I know you will. Just take things one day at a time -- one meal at a time, one workout at a time.
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
I think the thing to keep in mind is that if you're feeling bad about yourself and guilty about your eating and exercise it's just one more stressor. Though that's really hard to think about when you're in the midst of it though.
ReplyDeleteHang in there!